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Friday, Nov. 16, 2007 at 3:51 pm

Friday Afternoon Fun: The English Language

By Bryan Eisenberg
November 16th, 2007

Some oldies-but-goodies for you writers out there…

Let’s face it: English is a stupid language.
There’s no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.
Quicksand takes you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
And a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught
Why didn’t the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation
It ends.

More funny English…

————————————————————-

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is nothing.”

(Hat tip for Rick)

————————————————————-
The Importance of Correct Punctuation

Dear John I want a man who knows
what love is all about you generous
kind thoughtful people who are not like
you admit to being useless and inferior
you have ruined me for other men i
yearn for you i have no feelings
whatsover when we are apart i can be
forever happy will you let me yours
marsha

————————————————————-

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. more…

Have a great wekeend ;-)

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Comments (3)

  1. It’s scary how easy it is to read that last paragraph.

  2. Bryan, these are great and brought a smile to my face on a Friday afternoon! One of my favorite language writers is Richard Lederer who writes about how people misuse the English language. His book, Anguised English, is wonderful for a laugh. :-)

  3. Outstandingly funny.

    But if you want an even funnier look at language just listen to someone from the UK trying to speak a foreign language – it’s like a comdey sketch (and yes, I’m from the UK so I know!)

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Bryan Eisenberg, founder of FutureNow, is a professional marketing speaker and the co-author of New York Times and Wall Street Journal bestselling books Call to Action and Waiting For Your Cat to Bark and Always Be Testing. You can friend him on Facebook or Twitter.

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